F*$#, Marry, Kill: When menopause meets marriage
Think menopause is just about hormones? Think again. After decades of periods, pregnancies and relentless self-talk, it shows up not just as a biological shift but as the ultimate relationship stress test. Suddenly, F*$#, Marry, Kill is less of a party game and more a daily coping strategy. (Plot twist: your partner rarely gets “marry” during a hot flash.)
What menopause does to women is widely documented: estrogen and progesterone drop, ovaries close shop and our bodies throw us into a hormonal Hunger Games. Mood swings, weight shifts, brain fog, insomnia and libido fluctuations are all wrapped into one unpredictable package.
Hormonal changes impact brain chemistry too. Estrogen interacts with serotonin and dopamine to regulate mood and motivation. When estrogen drops, so does our tolerance, and our brain’s reward system begins to play by a new set of rules.
That’s why the sound of him chewing or leaving his socks on the floor suddenly feels like grounds for divorce. It’s not just pettiness…it’s biology.
The stats: when menopause meets marriage
⇉ Divorce rates spike during menopause years
In Australia, women aged 45-55 initiate divorce more than any other demographic. Not because we don’t love our partners, but because our tolerance for unmet emotional needs drops faster than our estrogen levels.
⇉ Couples therapy rises
Therapists report a surge in midlife couples seeking help, with menopause often the unspoken elephant in the room. Some couples make it through, others split amicably and a few simply exist in parallel universes under the same roof, him with his golf clubs and her with her wine subscription.
⇉ Re-evaluation is common
Psychologists point out that midlife is a reflective period. A 2022 survey found that more than three in five women (68%) in perimenopause had considered leaving their partner at some point. Combine fluctuating brain chemistry with existential questions like Is this it? and you’ve got the perfect storm for re-evaluating whether your partner still makes the cut.
The question is, are we divorcing because our marriages are broken or because menopause removes the rose-coloured glasses we’ve been wearing since the wedding?
The MAN-opause theory
Let’s not pretend men sail through midlife on cruise control. While we’re ricocheting between rage, tears and carb cravings, men are quietly going through their own decline. Testosterone dribbles off at about 1% per year after 40, hair migrates from their heads to their backs and suddenly buying a motorbike at 54 feels ‘normal.’
Perhaps men need their own biological stamp, let’s call it MAN-opause. Their changes are often overlooked and less dramatic, since they’re usually not jolted awake at 3am, dripping in sweat and questioning their marriage vows. They’re just snoring beside us while we wonder if we’ll smother them with a pillow or ask them to bring us water.
Are we irrational? Maybe. Or maybe we’ve just reached the life stage where compromise feels less like love and more like death by a thousand cuts.
So, what’s the solution?
It’s not all doom and divorce lawyers. Many couples make it through stronger, but it takes honesty, humour and sometimes help. You need to ask yourself: do you still want to be married to this person once your hormones settle on the other side of menopause?
Some do. Some don’t. Some invent new rules. Maybe the lesson here is that menopause is less about ending things and more about renegotiating what we want, what we need and whether we’re still in this for ‘marry’ or edging towards ‘kill’.
How to win the F*$#, Marry, Kill game with your partner
Talk about it. Menopause is still weirdly taboo. Naming it takes away the power.
Therapy isn’t defeat. It’s maintenance. Like servicing the car before the wheels fall off.
Find your outlets. Walks, yoga, journaling or just venting with girlfriends over wine.
Separate bedrooms aren’t a failure. They can be a survival strategy.
MAN-opause awareness. Men need to acknowledge their own midlife shifts too. The best couples navigate both pauses together.
This article was originally published in Darling Magazine